Jezehbelle

Feed my soul -- let me free.

2006-06-14T19:50:24Z

I haven't posted here in a while. Actual post-posts are way down.
Gaia's boring.
Myspace is boring.
The internet is boring.
Here is boring.

I'm boring.

All the fun seems to have been sucked out of everything as of late.

When I'm here, I want not to be, when I'm at work, I wanna go home.
My cars about to fall to shit, seriously. It lags, it has problems switching gears, and for some weird reason, the engine stays cold -- in 95 degree weather -- for a good 15 minutes. Sure, it's in the shade, but come on, even at the hot parking lot at work, it's cold for five minutes after I start the car. I can't run the AC in my car anymore...

And, I'm going stir crazy.
Seriously. I have to get out and do something, but I have no idea what I want to do or where I can go.

I wanna watch a movie, I wanna go hiking, I wanna go swimming, I want to see the beach, I wanna not come back to boredum. I wanna go to a club for the first time in my life, I wanna go out with friends. I wanna finally go to little five points.

Really, I'm tired of going out by myself because other people are busy. Or I'm on the outs with them.
I need to do something.
I need to get out.
I need a companion.
Or a group of friends.

I want to do something so bad. And today's my final day off this week, I've had Monday Tuesday and now today off and I haven't really done shit. Me and Amanda went to WaHo and she hung out at my house for a while, but really, DO something? Nope. I watched my sister's kids yesterday while Kim and Chris went out to have fun.

And I've completely wasted this time off.

This morning I debated on if I should go hiking and waste a quarter of a tank of gas getting to and from, going out and looking for a job, and buying a new video game.

I've just sat here most of the day.
All the drive is gone.

._.

I think I'll go to cochran for now. I need different clothes on and to pack a backpack for my adventure.
It's cheaper than a video game and it lets me drive for a while and get out of the house and into the sunshine.
And it also lets me play in the water.

Blergh.

Totally unrelated, but I think I might have that "makeup" thing down.

jezeh @ 2006-04-12T02:03:00

2006-04-12T06:03:47Z

It's a brand new day.

11:55 pm on Tuesday, April 11th, 2006, I smoked my last cigarette.

I've resolved it.
I will not smoke again.
I will not drink again.
I won't be killing myself anymore

I am new.

I've been weaning off of it for the last few weeks. Smoking less and less.
My last pack lasted me from Sunday night to almost Wednesday.

And no one is holding my hand through it.
Not any of these addictions.

I really am saving myself.

Ready to Go

2006-03-26T02:52:36Z

I'm going to Savannah, April 3rd through the 5th. It'll be Spring Break, so the car should be less busy, Steph doesn't work on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays, so, I'm hoping she can skip out on Church that Monday and be okay with staying home for two and a half days.

I need something to go right.

I still need to reserve a room, the Days Inn seems to be one of my best bets, and I still need to okay it with Stephanie. Other than that, my mind is pretty well made up. I might tweek it so that I go for Thursday, Friday and Saturday, because I have direct deposit now, however, it'll be that week.

Oh yeah, and a time off request at work.

But otherwise, I'm going.

I'm so set, I'm already gone.

She's seeing someone else, he doesn't even fucking like me, both of which aren't surprising in the least, I mean, this is me we're talking about here, someone fucking hates me, and I've worked twelve out of fourteen days these last two weeks.

Screw you guys.
In fact, fuck you guys.

I'm already fucking gone.

jezeh @ 2006-03-17T01:31:00

2006-03-17T06:51:23Z

I burned the inside of my arm on the rim of a pizza pan a couple of hours ago.

It hurts. ): I've gotta go get something better than paper towel over it. ):

Jami says she can't cover for me tomorrow night anymore. So, I'll call party city tomorrow and see if they really need me. Maybe I could just work half of what I was supposed to? . -. I dunno what I'll do, seeing as we already told Jody Jami'd cover for me. I'd really like not to go in at all, really. I just don't wanna...

MAYBE
I could wear my out and about clothes under my work clothes and when Sarah and Robert and Susan get to Party City, I could just leave? Maybe?

I really don't know.
It's sorta funny, I go a year withouth making plans on a friday, and then I do, and then I can't. e _e

._ .

Something awesome happened today -- The Mummers Dance, originally by Loreena McKennit was on the St. Patricks Day Drew's Famous Party Music CD they played while the big wig was there. Oh man, it was great.

jezeh @ 2006-03-16T08:30:00

2006-03-16T13:32:30Z

I was supposed to have direct deposit done on my account at work.

I was SUPPOSED to.

Dammit. I call this morning to my bank and the only thing in there is my gross overage. >(

It looks like I'm either going to have to walk over to the bank when I get my break today, or I'm going to have to just not eat or get gas or pay for anything until tomorrow and beg and plead with Stephanie to let me have the car during the day tomorrow.

She's got a job yesterday. ._.

jezeh @ 2006-03-11T00:04:00

2006-03-11T05:05:12Z

I've recently gotten a hair cut and contacts.

I look purdy. (:

And really, seriously and honestly, the only editting I did on this picture was the saturation and contrast. o _o

jezeh @ 2006-03-09T00:55:00

2006-03-09T06:02:01Z

I don't wanna go to work this morning. ):

I get to open (at 9:30) and work till 5:30.
I'm just tired and sick, so I don't wanna gooo...

But, I need all the money I can get, so I go tomorrow. z__z

Didn't go on a hike like I said I would. Didn't go Sunday either. Or Monday. And well, I don't think I'll get to go this weekend either.

I wanna go hang out with people. D:

Unfortunately, I don't have the money to go out and do anything. ): I can't even afford gas for next week.

I'm tired of being under on my account, dammit. I'm tired of something happening everytime I get a damned paycheck. This next one, it's ONLY going to be gas. Stephanie will have to pull something out of her nose or something will have to fucking change.

Also, if I can get to Knoxville Tennessee and back on a half tank of gas, how the hell is it possible for Stephanie to go to school and church and be almost completely out of gas half way through the week? Why the hell am I paying for a car I don't get to fucking drive?

I'll talk to dad about it on Saturday, while Steph's at D-Now. Hopefully, he'll spot me on gas for this next week...

I have no problem with Steph being a Christian, really. I have no problem with anyone else's religion, really. At all.
But she's getting on my fucking nerves.

Every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday, she goes to church. Everyweek, on either a Tuesday or Thursday, she's out at a church basketball game. That's where she is when she's not home or school, at church. She's not out looking for a job so she can pay for her own shit, she's taking me away from a car I actually pay for.

If it was right up the road, I wouldn't have a problem. If it didn't suck out all the gas in the tank, again, no problem.

But it's a fucking social event for her almost. She rarely ever talks about God, but there she is, going to church again, going to Monday night, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Sunday. She lets me have the car, maybe, 3 days out of the week. ANd she doesn't pay for it.

She used to never get upset when I cursed. She never did. Then she started going to Crosspoint, and it's all been down from there. She doesn't even say "ass" anymore. It just gets fucking annoying.

And then she keeps trying to get me to go with her. The Abrahamic God is dead to me in a church. I can't feel a god that created the heavens and the earth in something man made. I just can't. She knows that. "I think having God in your life is a good thing, Jess."

My mom goes to her hell hole church in Riverdale because it's a social event for her and Steph complains. And Steph does the same thing at Crosspoint.

If I make a comment about her spending too much gas, she gets so pissed off at me. "It's only 7% of your paycheck if you pay for gas. For me, it's 120%."

Get a fucking JOB! One close by! That's what's so great about working at Party City -- it's a damned 7 minute drive and three miles away, not 20 fucking miles just TO. She says she's trying, but she's only looking at places that are close by to Crosspoint. That means, that if she gets a job, I won't be able to get to work, ever again.

Goddammit. I wish I could just magically afford a car for myself and have her just screwed out of fucking luck.

You know that "spiraling depression" thing...?

2006-03-04T13:17:26Z

A while back, before I started working at Party City again, I was happy. Exceptionally content anyways.

I was becoming stronger in my faith.
I was spending more time outside.
I was being happy longer.

And now... I haven't gone out there since January.
I miss the sandbar.
I miss the stream as it babbled along.
I miss the feeling that everything is alive.

I'm a pantheist, in case I haven't mentioned it so far. I don't believe god is a celestial being, but within all of us and all of the natural world. When we get closer to nature, we get closer to god.

And where am I?

[sigh]

Anyways, it's been a bad week. Mom being a pain in the ass, Eric's consistantly being that way, being fucking lonely as hell, me not eating as much as should be appropriate...

I had a "gallbladder attack" while I was at work last night. Generally they don't last long, for me anyways, but it was from about 6 to 9 something. I couldn't focus. It was harder to make words, it hurt so bad. And after a while, I just started feeling like I was going to vomit on the next woman that gave me lip.
I went outside after we closed the store. I just couldn't fucking take it anymore and curled into a ball, had a cigarette and five or so tylenol.

Towards the beginning of the second one (I chainsmoke when I feel like that), I looked up at the moon for a minute.
And felt better.

I need to get out today. After my check up and I get my schedule for next week, I'm going out there. I don't care if I'm just sitting on my rock or what. I'm getting out there.

jezeh @ 2006-02-27T11:11:00

2006-02-27T16:12:05Z

You are a Earth Queen. You will have a calm

kingdom. Wisdom, Respect and Pureness are

very important.

What kind of Queen are you? ( With BEAUTIFULL pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

jezeh @ 2006-02-24T10:52:00

2006-02-24T15:53:37Z

You are a pack of Marlboro Red..... you damn

cowboy!

Which pack of cigarettes are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I thought that was funny. (:

I really want you to really want me, but I really don't know if you can do that.

2006-02-15T14:27:55Z

I recommend James Blunt to you guys.

And Damien Rice and Bright Eyes..

What do you do when you have a crush on someone?

jezeh @ 2006-02-12T11:34:00

2006-02-12T16:39:39Z

Things are going okay at work. Pretty fun and stuff. I think people are getting used to my weirdness. (:

And uhm.
I haveacrushonaguy-scribblescribble-.

o _o I think.

That is all.

jezeh @ 2006-01-31T23:06:00

2006-02-01T04:07:51Z

I know there's a god.

How?
Why?

I know there is one, because there has to be someone pulling the strings for me.

And I know that whatever one is up there (or in here) has a sense of humor.

Why?

Well, look at the platypus.

That is all. (:

jezeh @ 2006-01-29T20:10:00

2006-01-30T01:13:17Z

I'm gonna work almost 40 hours this week. o_o

And, I might get in trouble with my manager, because I forgot that I wasn't supposed to work all day today (like I did). I just got into it, you know? And everytime I turned around, there was a new balloon order...
I wasn't supposed to work all day. ._. They'll get into trouble with payroll.

And I didn't remember about it until I got on my porch at around 7. D:

So I might not get as many hours this week, or someone else will switch with me.

Or something. ._.;;

Otherwise, it's goin' good. (:

Today's been a weird day...

2006-01-28T02:20:04Z

Well, I had the car today, but, I had no money for gas, so it didn't do me much good.

I didn't find a job today.
But one found me. (:

I got my job at Party City back, which is cool.
I start tomorrow morning at 8am. (x Dunno how long, don't know nothin'. We'll work all of it out when I get there tomorrow or during the course of this weekend.

Yay!

I am sorta sad to go back to the real world. Or the mostly real world.

It's been a sorta up and down day otherwise. Crying, smiling, hitting pillows, and laughing.

I should go to bed before my heart explodes. x _e

jezeh @ 2006-01-25T18:44:00

2006-01-26T00:01:44Z

Friday, I have the car, so I'm going to spend the day, driving around, looking for a job. (:
Thankfully, we get about a million miles to the gallon. XD

Kim's told me about getting a paper route. It'd allow me to stay up as late as I do now, let Stephanie have the car during the day, and put $250 in my pocket every week aswell. It seems like it'd actually be pretty good for our situation. :o
Also, there's a gas station up the road from my house that I could work nights at. I really need a night job, because I sleep in so late and Stephanie has school and would like to work a job right after she gets out of school. P:
Unfortunately, mom hates the idea of me working at one of those, but working at night just fits the car's schedule...

Eh, there's always Checkers or McDonalds, but I have a feeling that my closterphobia might kick in and I might vomit from the grease. (x

Friday should be a good day for job hunting. (x
No rain, pretty nice day in general. (:

I'll swoop the Fayette Pavillion first, then the Hudson Pavillion area, taking into heavy concideration how late their open. (:

I'm going to start working out some more. You know, going for walks not just in the woods, pilates and stuff. (:
I've written up a routine for myself, to get in to a better shell. :B
Weee-hoooo~

I make no external progress

2006-01-21T07:04:44Z

And I can't spell. Or, I can, but not well.

But seriously, I make no outward progress -- still jobless, still lacking in the mating department, still uneducated (which is probably very obvious), still gotta fat sack body, but I think I'm getting better (actually, I've lost 1/4th of me)...

But, I'm happy as a lark doing what larks do best.

... And that would be larking.

So, I'm thinking.

Maybe, I should try working on that outside stuff more?

Then, MAYBE, I would become one with the clouds. :O

Or, go back into a pitiful, downward spiral motion like thing. (: Either one.

At least I couldn't say I didn't try. (x

"We went to the WATERFALL!"

2006-01-16T03:31:55Z

Went out with Ben and Sarah to Cochran Mills today with me Vat. It was awesome.

The most awesome part about it is that Ben loved it. He'd never, EVER been near a waterfall, he was so happy. He tripped and fell a couple of times, but even then, he was happy as a clam. x)

I'll convert the weeones yet. [stealthninja]

XD My dad used to take us out there all the time when we were little. Eric, my little brother (whose 15), was 3 the first time he went there. So it's about time for Ben to go out there. (:

YAY

It was words without sound..

2006-01-10T03:50:10Z

Today was amazing.

I went on a 4 hour hike/nature walk today.

I laid down on a sandbank and skipped around in the stream.

I heard a squirrel and saw him all the way up high in a pine tree 50 feet away.
That's especially special.

I have problems reading, with my glasses on, from 20 feet away.

The world feels different out there. It's such a stark contrast from here -- here, there's unneeded SUVs, everyone pays someone else to work on their lawns, everyone's freeze dried and artifical fruit.

It's real out there.

When I'm out there, it's the only time I really feel awake. I feel alive right now, but a sleeping reality is what I have here.

Away from the artifical and back to the natural...

Just me and the sandbar, and that little orange butterfly.

But, I am letired. So I will ledepart. (:

Where you been at, foo?

2006-01-05T18:02:13Z

Why, yes, I am alive. (:

Live's been sorta crazy lately. Christmas was a peice of shit, New Years was sorta disappointing. My sister's been moving into her new house, so I've been watching the kids a LOT more than I'm used to.

Like, them spending a whole week here. x__x;;

School's started up again, so I've got the house to myself again. (: It's a nice feeling.

I've decided to go camping soon. I dunno when, or where, but I'm going, dammit.
Why?

Because I have a tent and a sleeping bag and know how to build a fire now. (:
Depending on the night, I might not even stay in the tent, but that's beside the point.
I'mma go camping, dammit.

I've been spending more time outside lately. And by "lately", I mean, "right after I lost my job".
About three months. o _o;

After Kim got married and I had the Atlanta meet up and me getting fired, I found myself driving around aimlessly, about to breakdown. I had bills to pay, car problems to fix and a never ending supply of worry, it seemed.
I pulled over into a parking lot and thunked my head on the steering wheel and was sorta fucked up in the head for a couple of hours. I needed to find someplace away from people to calm down.

So I did.

I went to the nature park that I went to so many times when I was a little kid.
I sat by the old mill and just...

Let go.

It was like I woke up from a bad dream and everything was okay again.
So, since that day, I've been getting out there as much as I can. And if I can't get out there, I'll lay out in the yard and watch the world. Or, late at night, I'll watch the moon and the stars come out and feel okay.

So, that's sorta where I've been. I got recommited to my religion and got better.
And I've been busy. XD

I'll probably post more in here more often, as I'm wandering away from my Gaia, in general. XP

jezeh @ 2006-01-05T01:39:00

2006-01-05T06:39:17Z

You fit in with:
Spiritualism

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

80% spiritual.
40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Notice

2005-12-14T03:29:35Z

I AM ALIVE

That is all. (:

Well... Life's been interesting...

2005-11-10T15:29:03Z

I'm posting now, because most places around here are just now opening and I'm still in my PJs.

It's a thursday morning and I'm posting. What happened?

Well, when I went in to get my schedule for Party City this past Sunday, I got some bad news.
I've been let go.

Nothing I did, Susan, my mananger, was upset about it. Because I worked. And worked well. I did everything anyone asked of me, I was nice and polite. It wasn't her choice, she listed about 5 other people she'd rather let go of than me, but it was Crystal's decision, not her's.

Searching for a job sucks, let me tell you...

[thunks head on desk]

And this last paycheck from Party City's gonna be at half mast, because I was canned half way through the pay period.

I've gotta get a cellphone.
I've gotta get my own car. Not one I'm sharing.

BAH.

I'm calling back to Hot Topic today. Even if I've already got a job interview that I passed and I'm pretty much hired at Wrapsody, I really don't want to wrap presents and start working the day before Thanksgiving.
That'd just blow. And it's too big of a gap for me not to work.

-_-;

On an upbeat note, I do get my last paycheck from Party City today, and I did get hit on by a very cute guy the other day.

But he was trying to sell me something, but at least it was a bit of an ego boost...
The first time that'd happened though. o_O;

I've been getting hit on a lot lately.
It'd odd feeling.

BLAH

I want my life to pan out NOW. >__X;

End babble

jezeh @ 2005-10-27T02:00:00

2005-10-27T06:03:38Z

My days don't end or begin.

They pause for a few breif seconds of sleep, then its back to the normal grind.

This morning when the play button was hit, when Kim called me at 7 to tell me she was on her way -- it seems so far away.

I hope more than anything, that when I'm sleeping in the hotel room I'm paying for solo this weekend, smoking and drinking and sidestepping into sleep, that the time will go as it does during the typical day.

Slow.
But relaxed.
Surreal, but from a new reason other than just being tired.

I'm realizing more than I'm a strange adult-kid hybrid, whose carefree and creative like a child, but with the responsibilities and stress of an adult.

It's an odd way to live life, as a pseudo-adult that just wants to play video games all day, but barely squeezes in more than an hour a week.

Sometimes, I don't think this is really my life. That I really go out of my way for other people on an hourly basis, that I bend and bend and have yet to recently break. That I work so much and get so little.

Is this really me?

I feel... surreal...

I've recently been ignoring all of my online friends, have for a while, but I've been exceptionally bad this week.
There's just so much going on.
So many little details that have to be taken care of by tomorrow, and I've barely begun.
The hangover from last weekend's panic.
The impending sledge hammer of stress from this one.
The fact that I've been up since 7o'clock this morning and running around, and have to wake up in five hours to start all over again, with MORE stuff to do...
I'm sorry guys. ._.

I need a vacation from vacations

2005-10-24T03:23:56Z

Sometime soon, I'm going to go on a vacation, just for me.

Meeee.

Less stress.

Just me and a hotel and a city to myself.

Ahhhhh...

No planning.
No coordinating.

"Hey Jess, wanna go to -location/attraction-?"
"Sure, Jess, I'd love to~"

It'll be great. (:

And non-stressful.

I just need to pick a place and in late November or early December, I'll go.